I got new lipstick today and my Mom said she didn’t like it so I asked why and she just says “It looks like death mixed with gravy.” I’ll take it.

I got new lipstick today and my Mom said she didn’t like it so I asked why and she just says “It looks like death mixed with gravy.” I’ll take it.



Best dream ever compliments of my Mom’s brain while she was sleeping before work the other day.

She gets up and was like, “I had a dream about Bert.”

So she goes “I was driving him around in a van and he was a FARMER. He had overalls on and only one side hooked and no shirt on. His hair wasn’t greasy, it was fluffy and long. I drove him to his farm and his Mormon family was there and they came up and smiled at me in my windows. He didn’t tell me who they were and I said they were really creepy so he told me to just roll up the windows. He got out and showed me around and we were walking along over these big clumps of dirt and he said “these are clods of dirt…that’s what I grow.”  Then he started going in the woods and I just assumed that’s where his pot crops were.

Then I asked him if I should call him “Bro” and I woke up before he answered. “

And she was just dead serious. That dirt part made me completely lose it.



"How can that dumb bastard see where he’s going?!" — My mom while I was watching something involving the headless horseman today.



castle made of skulls and bones



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